How to Get on The Same Page with Your Spouse

When Rachel and I got married we were sort of on the same page with money.

I had a budget in an excel spreadsheet that I would look at every once in a while, but we really didn't follow it. We both didn't really like debt, but our attitudes towards it were a little different, based on how we were raised. I pretty much took care of all the bill paying and stuff (which I still do), but we didn't really talk much about our money - How much we had. How much we wanted to save. How much we wanted to have later on. I was leaving my wife more or less in the dark.

Because of this, when she would buy things, I would end up being frustrated, because I wanted to save money, but I never communicated to her how much I wanted to save or how much she "could" spend. This would lead to her feeling guilty about buying things, because she didn't know if it was hurting us financially or not. And I didn't understand why she would want to buy anything that wasn't food or gas.

We needed to get on the same page with this stuff.

Creating a Common Frame of Reference

We had heard this class called FPU (Financial Peace University) during our premarital counseling, but hadn't taken the full course. We only went through a couple of the videos during our counseling sessions.

Long story short, we ended up signing up for the full class at our church a little over a year ago. The class taught us how to budget, how to communicate about money, and how to plan for our future, among other things.

One of the coolest things that we got from this class was a common frame of reference when it comes money. Now when we hear people talk about making car payments, taking out a 30 year mortgage, or putting their honeymoon on credit, we look at each other and know exactly what the other is thinking. This probably sounds really bad, but it's usually something along the lines of "how can people be so stupid?"

I know this isn't the best thing for us to be thinking (we are working on it...), but the point is, we are thinking the same thing. It's like we are both in a secret club together. And there is tremendous power and confidence in knowing that you and your spouse see eye-to-eye on something.

If either of us would have taken that class on our own, we could have gotten some value out of it, but it wouldn't have drawn our ways of thinking closer together. It would have done the opposite. We would likely become frustrated that the other does not see things the way we do.

Recently we had another opportunity to get on the same page in our marriage at a retreat with our church Sunday School class. At this retreat we learned about how we can better use our marriage as a ministry to others, which again gave Rachel and I another common frame of reference.

It was at this retreat that I came to the realization that what we learn at things like this is not nearly as important as the fact that we are learning it together (as long as the information is not wrong, of course).

Takeaway

Sometimes we forget that we spend our whole lives prior to marriage learning our own way of thinking while our spouse is learning a completely different way of thinking. Then we get frustrated when we realize that our spouse doesn't see things how we do. Really? What did you expect? They spent 18 years growing up with different parents, in a different place, with different friends, different everything. Of course they are going to think different! It's our job to create our own common frames of reference to help us get on the same page.

This is part of becoming one in marriage.

If you are married or soon to be married, I would challenge you to start creating your own common frames of reference with your spouse or soon-spouse. There are a lot of ways to do this. Whether it's doing a devotional together, (which we are absolutely horrible at) or taking a class together (like FPU). It is important to start the process of getting on the same page. You will never be on the same page with everything, which is probably a good thing. (You need some variety) But the more you work at this, the better off you will be.