Compatibility Is A Myth

When I first got married I thought Rachel and I were pretty compatible. We believed in the same things, we liked to hang out with the same kinds of people, and we even listened to the same kinds of music.

Now three years later, I have started to see all the areas where we are not really compatible. For example: She wants to travel the world and I would rather stay home and hang out with friends. She wants 4 kids and I would probably have 10 if it was up to me. She likes to do exciting things together and I like do nothing together. She looks at decorations as an "investment" and I look at letting money sit in my wallet till it turns to dust as an "investment".

At this point I know what most of you are thinking. "Wow. Your wife seems like way more fun than you!" And you'd be right. She is a bit more fun than me. And it is true that our differences compliment each other in a lot of ways. I probably wouldn't go out much if it wasn't for her and strangely enough, she probably wouldn't have as many friends if it wasn't for me. (As the outgoing one) I always say, people become friends with us because of me and they stay friends with us because of her.

Even though these differences are a good thing, because they help us both be better in areas where we are weak, they can also cause a great deal of conflict. There are always the little things like the way she stacks dishes in the dish rack to dry is always wrong and the way she folds laundry is wrong and the way I drive is wrong. But there are also bigger issues that can cause serious trouble if you don't attend to them. Some of the big points of conflict for us have come in the areas family and finances.

While we have grown immensely in these respective areas, we still have a long way to go. When it comes to finances, I am about the cheapest person on the planet. I have a really hard time justifying any purchases that aren't food. Her on the other hand, she has a whole mental list of things that she wants to buy. Her list includes things like pillows, paddle boards, and kitchen gadgets. All things I would never even think of spending money on.

When it comes to family, I want to have kids 3 years ago and I love babies! Her on the other hand, she wants to wait a little longer to have kids and she is not a fan of babies... (yet)

We have had our fair share of "fights" over these two topics and there is often the temptation to think things like "If I only married someone who wanted to have kids right away" or "If I only married someone who wants to travel the world". I am embarrassed to say, these types of phrases have slipped from my mouth from time to time. And when they do it causes a great deal of hurt for Rachel and it does a great deal of damage to our relationship.

Through our struggles with these areas of difference in our marriage I have realized that the strength of our marriage has very little to with how compatible we are and everything to do with how committed we are.

If we only focused on compatibility, it would be very easy for either of us to justify walking away to find someone we "see more eye to eye with". But the reality is, that person doesn't exist. There will always be MASSIVE differences between any man and woman who decide to share a life together through marriage.

That is why I say, compatibility is a myth! No two people are completely compatible. Every one of us is incredibly unique in our personalities and backgrounds. There is no possible way for any two people to see eye to eye on everything. Yet, you still see people getting divorced all the time due to "irreconcilable differences". Which is basically a nice way of saying "I don't feel like putting in the work to reconcile my differences with this person". It's pathetic and immature. It's the same logic that 6 year olds use to solve playground disputes. "I don't like they way he plays tag, so I'm leaving!" We can do better than this.

When my Pastor does weddings he always says, "marriage is not about being in love, it's about a commitment to love". Early on in a relationship it can seem like you and your significant other agree on everything. Everything just "works". You know the phase I am talking about? During this phase it can be hard to imagine the two of you disagreeing on anything. This is the "in love" phase, and most people are still in it when they get married. Then they get completely blindsided when reality sets in and they can't seem to agree on anything.

It's times like these, when differences seem insurmountable and we start to question our choice of spouse that Satan looks to drive a wedge between a husband and wife. And it is also when we must fight more than ever to remember the commitment we made to this person before God. It doesn't matter that we didn't realize how different we were when we got married. (Spoiler: No one knows how different they are when they get married.) What matters is how committed we are. No matter what.